When I first started breastfeeding, I was faced with many challenges, from a NICU stay due to failure to latch, to a milk protein allergy that had my doctor telling me to quit. But I persevered, and by around five months had established breastfeeding as a comforting (for both of us) routine and ritual. I loved it.
The thing about breastfeeding for me was that it helped prove to myself that my body was capable of doing something right, after years of infertility and miscarriages. It helped heal me, in a way. I was able to feed my baby, to make him grow. All that weight he gained? That was from me! It was an amazing feeling.
After I got laid off and decided to stay home, I ditched the pump and the bottle, and continued to let LM nurse on demand. Breastfeeding was a big part of our first year or so together, a way of bonding us together. This was something special only we shared.
As he passed a year, the age at which most babies are weaned, many of my mom friends stopped breastfeeding. But I didn’t see any reason to stop, so we kept going. Luckily, I faced no pressure from my husband or family to wean. They were supportive of my decision to keep nursing.
Eventually, though, in the back of my mind I started to think it might not be a bad thing if he weaned. Nursing a toddler is not as calming as nursing an infant. There is a lot of twisting, kicking, pulling, twiddling and general gymnastics going on. I wanted to tell him, “Just stay still!”
Plus, I wanted to think about having another baby, which would entail fertility treatments yet again. Now, doctors will generally tell you to wean before attempting an IVF for two reasons. One is concern about the medications, and another is that a raised prolactin level may impede your lining’s growth and make implantation less likely. But, both of these concerns are greater when you’re talking about an infant who gets all of his nutrition from nursing — less so when talking about a toddler who nurses once a day. Plus, although there haven’t been any studies on fertility meds one way or another, the little research I could find said that the drugs, which are naturally occurring in a woman’s body anyway, are safe.
There seems to be a bit of a “don’t ask don’t tell” attitude when it comes to fertility doctors and nursing. I was worried when we saw our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) that she would ask me if I was nursing, but she didn’t. I talked to a few other moms who cycled while nursing toddlers. I felt confident that I was producing so little milk that LM would not be at risk from nursing, nor would my prolactin level be too high (and bloodwork showed it wasn’t).
Then in a serendipitous turn of events, LM started weaning as I geared up for my fertility testing. The first to go was the nursing around naps. Our routine became such that he would fall asleep in the car on the way back from our morning activity, and then I would transfer him inside. When he woke he would sometimes ask for it, but after telling him no a few times, he stopped asking. He still threw a big tantrum after waking up from naps cranky, but he didn’t seem to connect that with needing to nurse anymore. Then, because he started staying up super late when he napped, we started encouraging him to go without napping anyway.
Then it was the morning. Because I’m lazy, I would generally take LM back to bed with me to nurse. But on the days Foggy Daddy got up with him, he just took LM straight downstairs. And LM didn’t seem to miss it. One Saturday morning LM burst back into our room after Foggy Daddy changed his diaper. I was still in bed, and he hopped up, asking to nurse. FD asked if he wanted to go downstairs with him. LM thought about it for a minute, said, “downstairs,” and got off the bed. He actually chose his breakfast (or his father) over me.
That left nursing before bed. It just so happened that last week my sister was visiting my parents, so we spent several evenings there. We’d change LM into his pjs before leaving, and he’d fall asleep in the car on the way home, and we’d transfer him to the bed. One night as I went to lay him down he woke up. “Mama, lay down,” he instructed. Here we go, I thought, believing he wanted to nurse. But he just cuddled next to me and went to sleep.
The last night at my parents’ house I decided to stay over. LM stayed on an airbed on the floor, and he made me sleep next to him. But, he woke up throughout the night, frequently asking to nurse. Because I had put my foot down on night nursing a long time ago, I felt comfortable refusing. In the morning, though, he asked again, and the desperate look in his eyes made me give in. A few sucks, a few minutes, and he was done. I was so tired I had my eyes closed the whole time, but now I wonder if I missed the last time he would ever nurse.
The real test would be putting him to bed at home. So far, two nights have passed in which I’ve put him down without nursing. The first day he asked, settling into position in the cradle of my arm, but I asked him if he wanted to read a book instead and he popped back up.
Last night he didn’t even ask.
So this might be it. This morning he did briefly ask, but I gently redirected him and he was OK with it. I don’t quite know how I feel about it. Part of me is glad — now I can pursue fertility treatments without worrying about it. But what if I can’t cycle after all, or if I don’t get pregnant? I feel like I would have encouraged him to wean for nothing. I could have maybe had a few more months of nursing my baby.
I will miss that special relationship. I tell myself that if I’m determined to have another child, I will nurse again. Even if our second child ends up being adopted, I will try to induce lactation, or at least feed him or her with a supplemental nursing system (in which a tube is taped to the nipple through which breastmilk or formula flows) in order to experience some of the same bonding I had with LM. There is no reason a baby can’t be nursed for comfort, even if he or she gets her nutrients elsewhere. I recently read about a tribe in Africa where the fathers actually nurse the babies when the mothers aren’t available.
So maybe it’s just time. There were no (or few) tears. True, there was gentle encouragement from me, but LM seemed to be going down that path anyway.
So, breastfeeding, thank you for allowing me to feel like a woman again. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to bond with my baby in that way. Thank you for this special gift that not everyone is able to experience.
I will miss you.
(Of course, there is a chance that LM could ask for nursing again. In fact, by writing this, I’ve probably jinxed it. So stay tuned.)
Extended breastfeeders, how did you feel when your child finally weaned? Did you have to encourage your child, or did he or she do it on their own?
OK, so now I kind of get why some people say that the longer you breastfeed the harder it is to wean. The thing is I’m not actually looking to wean. I just would like it if every second of every day when we’re at home did not consist of being manhandled by my toddler. He is so grabby! And he wants it constantly. Almost as much as a newborn.
The odd thing is that when we’re not at home, he can go all day without nursing. Out of his element or distracted by other things, he doesn’t ask for it. But at home, I can’t even sit on the couch, because LM takes it as a signal that he can climb up and help himself. If I start hugging him, he wants it. If he’s having a tantrum, it’s the only way he can calm down. I sometimes hide myself getting dressed to keep him from ogling me and asking for a sip. If I’m on the toilet, he wants to stand next to me and latch on.
Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s natural and normal to nurse at his age. I think it’s our society’s preoccupation with breasts that makes people think there is something wrong with an older baby nursing. My boobs aren’t sexual objects anymore – they are for him. That’s just biology, and I see nothing wrong with it.
But it’s a lot. It’s sensory overload. I know there will come a time when I’ll be the one reaching for him, and he’ll pull away. I know there will be a time when he doesn’t want to snuggle. And I’ll long for these days.
But there is part of me that sometimes wants to scream, “Please just get off of me!” Nursing feels like a full-time job, and has been for almost two years. I know it sounds silly: Don’t you just sit there while he breastfeeds? you say. Yes, but with a toddler, it feels like an Olympic sport. He climbs all over me, moves into different positions, changes from one side to another. I’m constantly having to lift him up and move him around. I’m often uncomfortable.
But I’m not ready for the breastfeeding relationship to be over. I don’t want the tears that would probably come along with forcing him to wean. I want him to decide on his own. It might be nice if that happened sometime soon, though, and I’m not sure what to do if it doesn’t. Sometimes I think he’ll be one of those kids who wants to nurse until they’re six.
And of course there is the problem of what to do in order to have another baby. I did some research and found that it’s not completely necessary to wean before doing an IVF cycle, although most doctors want you to. But I wouldn’t feel good about weaning just for that – what would happen if the cycle wasn’t successful? I would feel like I weaned for nothing.
I do love breastfeeding. I don’t mean it to sound like I don’t. It’s just gotten very…physical with a toddler. It’s tough. He throws a tantrum if he doesn’t get it when he wants it. I sometimes even feel used, like he just wants me for my boobs.
And I don’t think I know anyone else with a toddler who is still breastfeeding. I’m the last one of my mom friends, I think, to still be nursing. Am I trying to keep LM a little baby? In some ways, but I don’t think nursing is one of them. I’m proud that we made it this far. We had such a rough beginning that I didn’t expect this. In many ways it has healed some of the pain of my infertility, because my body finally did something right. It even did it better than other people’s. I know it’s not a competition, but what can I say, I’m a bit competitive. After years of not feeling that my body was not as good as other people’s, I finally feel that it is. I don’t think I should feel bad about being proud. I don’t mean this to sound like I think I’m a better mom because I breastfeed. I don’t. But I do feel happy that my body has fulfilled one of it’s biological, traditional roles: feeding my baby.
It’s funny, I never saw myself as one of those attachment parents or a militant breastfeeder, but somehow I find myself in that position. I have found it so rewarding that I want to defend my right to do it, as long as I want to do it. My son loves it (maybe too much?) and so do I.
Did you breastfeed? How did you decide when to wean?