I eagerly scroll through my Facebook feed, which includes posts from the several mommy FB groups I’m a part of. I see something controversial, something I have an opinion on, and I feel the need to chime in. I spend the rest of the evening checking to see if anyone else has responded. I feel my heart flutter as I read what others have written. My blood boils as someone calls me out by name. Then I think, why am I wasting my time debating vaccines for the millionth time?
There is some part of me that likes to debate. There is a part of me that enjoys arguing, enjoys making my point of view be known, enjoys telling other people what I think.
I don’t think I’m a jerk. I don’t think I’m unfair. I don’t name-call. I make sound arguments. I don’t try to stir up trouble on purpose.
Well, I’m not sure if that’s entirely true.
Something just showed up on my newsfeed: This article about CIO. It’s not a journalistic, let’s-examine-all-the-facts type of piece. It’s very clearly written with a specific point of view in mind: CIO is bad and will forever scar your child.
It starts by presenting this laughable scenario: Parents put their kid to bed in no time flat, then gleefully sit down to watch TV and drink beer while their kid wails. This so shocks their houseguest that he decides to leave.
The person who shared the article on my FB feed, and those who responded, were all like, “I could never do that!” Let’s call it CIO-shaming. So what do I do? I decide to respond with my own experience/thoughts, which are that the scene at the beginning of the piece is unrealistic and purposefully paints parents who let their kids CIO as neglectful and selfish, when in reality they are probably miserable and sleep-deprived, as I was.
As I type this, I’m waiting to see if there’s any backlash. Especially since I know and like the original poster and some of the people who responded.
But why debate to begin with? Some would argue that we debate parenting choices because we’re insecure about our own. But, I’m just not. I’m OK with the “sleep training” or whatever you call it. I stuck it out for eleven months, responding to LM’s every cry, but I just could not take it any longer. I was at a breaking point. Something had to be done.
OK, OK, you’re thinking. Got it. But why bother engaging people on the internet? Aren’t you just adding fuel to the mommy wars? Can’t you just leave well enough alone?
This is my ongoing internal battle with the internet. It gives me good information. It helps me see different perspectives. But it also can sometimes be a time and energy suck. I don’t need to defend my choices, so why do I? Is it because I truly feel the need to “educate” people? Maybe. Am I an oversharer? Maybe.
But I do feel like at times, I have helped people by talking about my experiences. I write this blog for the same reason – because I have something to say and a specific perspective to say it from. I am: Someone who’s had five miscarriages. Someone who did seven IVFs. Someone who had a C-section. Someone who breastfed. Someone who let her son CIO. Someone who got fired and decided to be a stay-at-home mom. This is who I am, and I like sharing it.
Do you engage in mommy debates on the internet? Do you think that’s a good or bad thing (or both)?
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Last night a familiar cry woke me from a dead sleep at 1:45 am. LM was up. I watched the video monitor to see if he could settle himself. He almost went back to sleep a few times, but didn’t. Eventually he was standing, pulling himself up on the crib rail and doing some kind of baby pull-ups that left his feet off the mattress and me worried he would somehow be able to launch himself out.
I looked over at my husband. He stirred but didn’t wake up. “I don’t know what to do,” I said. “Should I go get him?” No response.
It was up to me. Because my husband goes to work, it’s my responsibility to attend to LM during the night. That and the fact that I’m the one with the boobs, which is often the only thing that will get LM back to sleep.
I went to LM’s room and realized he did have a reason to cry: a poopy diaper. I changed it and nursed him, but he still did not want to go back down in his crib. I said goodnight anyway and left the room. After five minutes of crying, he was back to sleep.
I never thought I would be the kind of mom to endorse CIO (“cry it out”). I read the debates online – and there are plenty of them, because sleep is one of those inevitable mommy wars topics. “It’s cruel and selfish to let your baby cry,” the anti-CIO crowd said. “I could never stand to listen to the sound of my baby in distress. I just deal with being tired the next day.”
That all sounded great, until I was faced with a baby who just wouldn’t sleep. As a young infant he woke frequently to nurse, which I knew was normal. I thought he’d eventually start sleeping longer stretches naturally. But…he didn’t. And I didn’t know what I was going to do once I was back at work, because there was no way I could function on so little sleep. I was also very worried about staying awake for my 45-minute drive to work.
Then I got laid-off, so work was suddenly a non-issue. I continued to answer LM’s cries several times throughout the night. I would go to his room, sit in the glider and nurse him back to sleep. The iPad and I became very good friends. Frasier, Friends, Seinfeld and all manner of nineties sitcoms and I got reacquainted – they were the only shows I could watch (with ear buds in) that were both mindless enough yet entertaining enough to keep me occupied and awake.
But by ten months I couldn’t take it anymore. I was a zombie (actually a mombie), and even though I wasn’t working I still found it difficult to function at home alone with LM. A couple of times I fell asleep on the floor while he played next to me. I was useless at doing any housework. I wanted to start blogging but I had no energy. I was a shell of my former self.
Then to make matters even worse, LM started resisting being put back in his crib after I nursed him back to sleep. No matter how slowly or gently I tried to do it, he could sense the feeling of being put down and was not having it. (Yes, I know you’re supposed to do the whole drowsy-but-awake thing, but did whoever came up with that actually know any babies? It certainly did not work with mine.)
I was at my breaking point. I either needed to embrace bed-sharing or do some kind of sleep training. I had slept with LM in the bed before – it was sleep but not good sleep, as he would constantly want to nurse. My husband didn’t want him in bed with us on a permanent basis, and I was worried that later we would have a hard time transitioning him out of our bed and into his own. So we decided against it.
Searching for advice, I read The Baby Whisperer. The author condescendingly describes how we get into “accidental parenting,” which is the easiest tactic at the moment but not a good long-term solution. She claims that if we let babies CIO we break the bonds of trust with them. Her “no-cry” method consists of picking the baby up every time he cries, and then putting him down as soon as he is calm. She says to do this for however long it takes until the baby is asleep.
Yeah, well, “no-cry” my ass! The first and only night I tried this, LM wailed every time I tried to put him down. After an hour, I couldn’t take it anymore and left the room. He continued to cry, but then was asleep after a few minutes.
So I kind of fell into CIO. I didn’t follow Ferber or any other kind of method. I still rocked and nursed him to sleep, and would still go in when he woke up crying. But if he wouldn’t let me put him back down, he got a kiss and a goodnight and that was it.
It worked. The longest he cried was 20 minutes, and after a few days it was only a few minutes. Soon, he started sleeping longer stretches, and eventually slept all night. I don’t know if that’s because we let him cry, or if it was finally just time for him to reach that milestone on his own.
Yes, it was tough, but I didn’t know what else to do. I could not hold him all night. I needed sleep to be a good mom.
Have I scarred LM for life? Have I broken the bonds of trust with him? Is his sleeping through the night not so much “self-soothing” as it is an acceptance that I’ve abandoned him? I don’t know. All I know is that he’s sleeping, I’m sleeping and we’re both happier for it.
He does still occasionally wake up, like last night, and then I have the conundrum of what to do. So I let him cry for a little, and if he’s still upset I go in, make sure there’s not something wrong (too hot or cold, is sick, has a dirty diaper, etc) and try to get him back to sleep. If there isn’t and he still won’t go back to sleep, he’s on his own.
That probably sounds callous and cruel. But the effects of long-term sleep deprivation are no joke – I was seriously about to start hallucinating. Now, I am finally starting to feel like human being again. But I still sometimes miss our middle of the night cuddles.
Do you think I’m a horrible mom for letting my son cry? How have you solved sleep issues with your baby?